There is a divide in the church on many issues and believers are divided on various things from the music we play in our churches, to the existence of spiritual gifts, baptism and how the Holy Spirit exists in our lives. These issues are generally more public, but here is one that has a little less spotlight shining on it: whether men and women can be friends and how we are to navigate these friendships.
Some say that male-female friendships are totally normal. Others view that these friendships should not exist at all. Others believe that friendship with someone of the opposite gender must lead to a romantic future, or else it has no value. The church would condemn this as negative thinking from the secular world, but for some in the Body of Christ, our view of friendship is just as bad.
I believe that God is gracious enough to give us the opportunity to build healthy friendships of the opposite gender and see positive effects from them. For the Christian, we are called to regard each other as brother and sister, treat each other with honor and respect, and encourage each other in holiness while we both earnestly seek Christ. Christ died for my brother, just as He died for me, and we are family based on this occurrence alone. The encouragement provided as we strive for holiness should be done with every member of the church that we may come into relationship with; it simply is owed to one another.
The opposite gender Christian isn’t someone to fear or avoid, but a fellow image bearer that God created.
Scripture describes how our relationships are to work themselves out in Hebrews 10:24-25: “Let us watch out for one another, to provoke love and good works, not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.”
Benefits of having opposite gender friendships
I believe opposite gender friendships have various rewards. As a woman, it would be helpful to have a male perspective on certain appropriate issues such as the Christian life, relationships and how a romantically interested Christian brother should treat you as a woman. I’ve been gifted various brothers who have given me a sense of hope that serious Christ-minded Black men really do exist. If not for meeting any of my brothers, this would surely have been hard to believe in today’s time.
Having a close brother provides a necessary insight in understanding the opposite gender a little more if you lack in this area. Hopefully your brother understands kindness and chivalry and will inform that any man romantically interested in pursuing you should treat you with the same respect that he does. A sister relationship can also be helpful to the single brother who does not have knowledge of women. A sister can inform him on what not to do on dates and what are appropriate topics of conversation.
Living single and having opposite gender friendships
For a single guy and single girl to be close friends shouldn’t be a negative thing. This guy is a brother in Christ until otherwise stated that both parties have deeper feelings and intentions for their friendship. You should not fear growing close to your opposite gender friend, though people may assume you are “together romantically,” or really wanting you to be together because “it just makes sense.” Sometimes it really does make sense that the two of you attempt something more than a platonic relationship; this would probably take intentional prayer, appropriate conversations and input of your church community to realize.
Bonding and trust are beautiful things needed in every friendship. At times these things can lead to deeper feelings that neither of you intended. “He and I get along so well”, “She is so cool, I can be myself with her…”, “We can talk about anything…”—these aren’t bad things, but every friendship needs boundaries. It can be hard to navigate a friendship if these romantic feelings are one-sided only. If you find yourself there, perhaps take some time apart from your friend to sort out your feelings to decide if the friendship can be continued.
Having married opposite gender friendships
To some, a friendship with someone of the opposite sex if you are married or in a committed relationship is seen as an area of temptation. In the case of a married man, the problem here is the removing yourself from the possibility of being around women other than the one you are married to. This reinforces the idea that women are ultimately roadblocks of temptation and in the way of holiness. The Body of Christ still has work to do in seeing value in single women other than being in a marriage (as marriage is not the promise for all), or as a hindrance to the marriages of others.
If your close friend is seeing someone, try to make friends with their significant other. Sadly, this doesn’t always work, and friendships have ended because one person did not care to befriend the other, even in Christian friendships. If your opposite gender friend gets married and you haven’t befriended their spouse yet, it may be best to keep your friendship as general and public as possible. If you are friends with their spouse, here are a couple of tips for proper methods of communication: Don’t contact the couple too much. If you wish you may also include your friend’s spouse on all communication, text messages, Facebook messages, email and three-way calls with both partners.
Most of my brothers are married, and I enjoy an equal friendship with their wives as well, as they were couples in community at my church. Having a married Christian brother as a friend and also being friends with their spouse makes the friendship easy. We are not very close, but knowing each of them has been a gift from God.
Navigating the terrain of opposite gender friendship is an interesting journey no matter what stage of life you and your friend are in, but I still believe these friendships have value and are worth pursuing. We often do not have the same conversations surrounding same gender friendships, nor consider that someone may be same-sex attracted, but the true fact is that everyone needs friends.
Opposite gender friendships have value simply because God sees value in them.
When the Christian is brought to heaven, marriage will no longer exist as it does on Earth, but friendship will remain as we will be united with Christ. If we are brothers and sisters in Christ whom He died for, why deny ourselves of this friendship now based the gender that God has given us?
Ka’Lan Jones is a Chicago based photographer, writer and creative. She aims to glorify God in every aspect of her life whether through art, service or a compassionate conversation. When she isn’t making photographs, Ka’Lan can be found at church, a local independent bookstore, live concert/event, art museum or any recommended restaurant. In addition to working with clients for photography services, she enjoys spending time with her relatives/friends and writing her many thoughts on her blog: www.kalanjones.wordpress.com
Connect with Ka’Lan on Instagram: @kalanjonesxo & @kalanjones and on Twitter: @1kalan
Very interesting read! The points you gave definitely got me thinking about this area of friendship. I think that having male friends are great and provide so much insight on how males think, process things, etc. which is why I think I desire more male friends. And like you mentioned it also gives you hope that there are good God seeking men out there, because whew chile 😅😂 However, from experience (both before being saved & after) feelings somehow get involved on the males side. And I more than likely have to be the one to express that I don’t see things moving more than just friendship. Which is awkward & is a bummer because the friendship usually changes after that, and I feel like I lose a dear friend. However, I will be honest for the most part I hav found it easier to be friends with men I’m not attracted to or don’t see myself with 🙈 I have had one instance where I did develop feelings for a male friend but that was because we were so comfortable & hung out with each other a lot. I knew we weren’t supposed to be more than friends so I set boundaries for myself and it helped soo much! Now he is living his best life with his gf & I’m so happy for him! I do have relationships with my friends husbands but like you mentioned you definitely have to set boundaries. In every communication unless we are doing something for my friend she is involved. That just comes out of respect for their marriage and our friendship. But I will say our conversations are pretty good and they give good advice.
I tried to keep my comment kinda short, this topic has so many legs to it lol but I’m so glad you touched on it. Very good read sis!
Thanks for reading and sharing your experiences, Shakiya! Yes with the proper boundaries up we can have meaningful friendships with men and vice versa.