Welcome to our Dating Tests series on BLISS! No, it’s not a series on how to test your dates; it’s more about exploring the discomforts that can arise within us while we date. I remember sharing this with a fellow sister in Christ that even when you’ve done the work, got some healing, and feel more whole than ever, there will be things in dating that will test you and perhaps even trigger you personally.
In this post, I wanted to bring up that dating will test your independence. This has been an ongoing topic in the Black community and discussions between the sexes regarding dating and relationships. How independent should women and men be as single people, and how will that translate to their behavior in relationships?
Our community goes back and forth about the level of independence one should have while dating; it’s almost subjective. For some, a woman paying for her hair and nails while dating a man is fine, and others believe the man they’re dating should be footing the maintenance costs for their lady. Some even go as far as to say that men should be paying certain bills for the woman they’re dating, and some believe the opposite. On the men’s side, they are often assessed for having their own place and car versus having roommates or living with their parents. Granted, everyone has certain circumstances, we tend to look at living independently differently depending on our dating expectations, standards, and personal lifestyle.
When dating someone, your independence or ability to live on your own will come up. From the minuscule but notable actions of chivalry to sharing your personal ideas for your future marriage with your date, you may reflect on how your independence in certain areas shows up more than in others. I’m all for becoming an independent adult as you venture out into this big world. I think having a season of independence is a marker for most adults and would 10/10 recommend for all singles at one point. You want to try living independently of parents (if possible) or a partner to get a glimpse of what that lifestyle is like and what you like and dislike about it. That’s how I learned which chores I’d prefer to do and which ones I’d rather have my husband do—respectfully, lol. And here’s the reminder to us all—we must hear our future spouses on what their desired chores are too.
Yes, we’ll have to get out of our independent bubble in dating and remember to relate to others and give them space to share their ideas and show who they are with you. For example, most ladies would like the man to open the doors for them on dates or in general interactions. Being overly independent can keep you in the habit of opening the doors yourself when the man wanted to open them for you. It’s an example to show that there are areas in dating where we can assess our habits and adjust them to give our dates a chance to step up and be who they are and how they treat you.
Dating will test your independence in several ways. It will test your levels of trust in the person you’re dating, your flexibility, sharing your time and space, and your ability to communicate well and compromise for the best. How open are you to doing life with someone else that you can respect and rely on? Can you ask them for help and trust them to follow through? Can you honor this person and respect their desire to add to/help you? What can you do in dating to foster a relationship of interdependence instead of sole independence?
I hope that whenever you are in your dating season, you go into it with greater self-awareness of your level of independence and be willing to practice interdependence with your dates at the appropriate levels, of course. Be encouraged!
