Last year, I saw a show on Netflix called Indian Matchmaking about a professional matchmaker helping connect single Indian millennials to their potential spouses.
It was interesting to watch from the perspective of someone who’s not from that culture and wonder how effective matchmaking is. From what I saw, our brown cousins are going through similar issues in dating as we are in the Black community. Aside from the colorism and ageism that can occur in the selection process, these millennials were capital p—Picky! A common word of advice that the matchmaker gave to her male and female clients is that your spouse is not going to meet 100% of the qualities you are looking for; aim for 60-70%.
At this point in my life, I think that’s a more realistic approach to dating than assuming your 100% is going to A) exist, and B) want you in the same way. Yes, we are still making lists of what we want in a partner, and it’s okay to update them as you grow wiser and more mature. 2019’s list may not be 2023’s list, and that’s okay. The last few years have shifted a lot of things for us singles, including bringing a huge, glaring mirror for us to view our perfection narrative when it comes to dating.
A perfection narrative is one’s personal idea of how things “should” go in their ideal world. In the romantic sense, the perfect partner has all the things on your list, and you couldn’t possibly negotiate for less. It was almost an insult to some of these singles on the show when the matchmaker suggested that they loosen up on some of their specific qualities in a partner such as career, region, hobbies, etc. On BLISS, we talk a lot about not settling for less, but there is a more nuanced difference here between someone who’s not it for you and someone who has one or two less negotiable traits than you prefer.
“I think sometimes I can go in with something and only think there’s one way to do something. And I might jump to conclusions sometimes,” Priya, Indian Matchmaking (Netflix).
As I continued to watch the second season of Indian Matchmaking, I saw the lessons that the Indian American millennials had to learn in order to get the love that they so desired. It reminded me of how dating can genuinely challenge our own perfection narratives and help us find a healthy expectation for dating instead. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to date a bunch of different people to meet and connect with the right person for us. Our idea of the perfect partner will have everything we desire at the time we meet them, whether we’re truly at the place we need to be mentally, financially, spiritually, and/or emotionally, for them. But from personal experience, that’s also not reality. I remember being heavily against dating men with children when I was in my 20s. I wanted something more “perfect” like starting a family within our marriage. But as I got into my 30s, that ideal softened more to considering men who have kids. Not Nick Cannon-level number of kids, but definitely at the most two kids now, lol. It’s not “perfect,” but it’s a realistic scenario that I can consider for a spouse.
Whenever you get into dating again, honestly review your list of qualities that you’re looking for in a spouse. What are your core values? What are the hard lines in the sand that you are making regarding your standards and boundaries? What are attributes that a man or woman of God has that you want to see in your spouse? What does God’s word say about character that you can add to your list?
Also, ask yourself what you are willing to help them with. We are all works in progress, and marriage is a process of becoming more like Christ (sanctification). That means besides our personal relationship and accountability to God, we will have a partner who will be our helpmate and mirror to see what else can be changed for the better and for His glory. None of us will achieve perfection until we are with Christ, so as we submit our desires and qualities for a spouse to the Lord, let’s be open to His process of perfecting us through dating and relationships as well as our single season.
