In more “this ain’t it” news, one man went viral this week for professing his love for his fiancée in one of the most backhanded complimentary ways one could do it. Solomon Buchi, a life coach on relationships, shared in a now internationally known post to his wife-to-be about him choosing her for his wife:
Most saw in the first couple lines of this post that it would come off as potentially offensive, and some have even said narcissistic abuse at worst. What makes this post “neggy” is how it comes off in presentation. A lot of what he said in there can be true, but why play around with the opener about her not being the most this or best that? Why the comparison? Was it all even necessary?
I haven’t heard of this person before this story broke out, but the Nigerian native’s words of wisdom have spanned the globe, with this recent post being one of his more popular published thoughts. It’s in line with several other instances of men posting about their women on social media with the intention to show them love but in a tactless way. We see posts like this go viral every now and then when men speak lovingly (?) about their partner, and it comes off not as they may have intended. It reminded me of another viral story about a man talking about his new wife to his friends saying she’s not like his ex in looks, but “she makes him happy.”
There’s a fine line between being realistic and dishonoring your partner; humility and humiliation. This counts for the private and public sphere, and especially in the very public sphere which is social media. It goes without saying that no one person on earth is perfect and that there is always someone better than you in some way, so there’s no need to go there to bring it all back to the point that you chose this person. The wording arrangement comes off as the man was settling in choosing this woman instead of bigging her up. This may fare well with Solomon’s fiancée Adeola; she may take it in stride because she knows Solomon more personally than we all do. But talking about your partner that way, even with good intentions, is not gonna meet the mark with them possibly. Consider if their love language was words of affirmation, it doesn’t come off as affirming to the intended recipient.
Also, consider how the Father talks to us, His children. He calls us beloved, righteous, set apart, chosen, fashioned in His image, worth dying for. God knew our sin and imperfections and doesn’t use those against us, instead He sent Jesus Christ to redeem us. God sings over us, He rejoices, He corrects us in love, He gives gifts and blessings. God’s love for His bride, the Church, is the blueprint for how earthly husbands are to treat their wives, to present the wife without spot or wrinkle (Ephesians 5).
“Husbands, love your wives [with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them] and do not be embittered or resentful toward them [because of the responsibilities of marriage].” Colossians 3:19 AMP
I’m not saying Solomon’s words come off as resentful or bitter, but we do have to note the fine line between honesty and dishonor that can present itself in the form of negging here. He is intentional in his word usage, so there’s no mistaking. At this point, Solomon doesn’t plan to apologize to anyone, let alone his fiancée. By this time, she will have discussed the situation on her podcast, which you can check out here. I hope Solomon is open to change in how he uses his words. He’s been open to compromise in his relationship before, including how he’d propose to Adeola, so there’s always room for growth with this 26-year-old.
What I will say is that Adeola didn’t have to use those methods to honor her beau, she instead shared her gratitude to God and her fiancé:
At the end of the day, Solomon and Adeola are in their relationship, and every relationship is unique. I wouldn’t want to be honored in that way by my fiancé but to each their own. Like I’d tell everyone else who gets engaged, invest in premarital counseling.
