While I can be inspired by his story and respect his work ethic, I’m honestly disappointed that Tyler Perry would use his voice to give Black women outdated relationship advice.
Tyler’s recent and viral advice to Black women starts around the 38:00 minute mark in this conversation with actress Crystal Renee Hayslett on her show, Keep it Positive, Sweetie:
One of the main points in this excerpt that had social media ablaze was this quote:
“If you can find love if that man works at whatever job, and he’s a good man–he’s good to you, and honors you, honors the house and his wife and does what he can…that is okay. And as long as he’s secure in himself to know that, ‘Yep, she makes most of the money, all I can pay is the light bill,’ as long as she’s comfortable enough to say, ‘I’m gonna cover the mortgage and all the other stuff, you pay the light bill babe, you can take me to dinner every now and then,’ that is fine. But that’s so hard for people to take in…” -Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry also shared that he knows of friends who have that dynamic of a higher-earning woman and her supportive husband or partner. It reminds me of Oprah, our Black American billionaire, and her long-time partner, Stedman Graham, who is not a billionaire but does well for himself. The pair are not married, by the way, and Oprah shared why before.
I’m sure Tyler knows plenty of celebs with similar power and financial dynamics but as we know, celebrities do not represent the majority of people. More women, especially Black women, are sharing that they do not want this relationship dynamic and liken it to “struggle love.” To base a statement on your connection to a reality that normal people don’t live is unfair and comes off as out of touch. The delusional urban fairytales don’t pan out well in the real world, and it doesn’t work out well for Black celebrity women either. Black women are learning from very real and recent case studies like Mary J. Blige, Halle Berry, Sherri Shepherd, Shirley Strawberry, and many more that marrying down has a risk of turning bad financially and emotionally.
Men who say “Well, men date and marry down all the time,” are not considering the truth that men and women are not equals in society. Feminism can suggest we are, but it goes against some centuries-long innate truths humans have lived worldwide. A common side effect of engaging in this imbalanced power dynamic (a woman earning more than her husband) is resentment in the relationship. Women don’t want men living as glorified dependents, and men don’t want to feel like they don’t have a say in things in their homes. It can create resentment in one or both partners.
It’s very rare and idealistic to presume more men than not are willing to live comfortably in a power dynamic where they’re not in charge. There will always be outliers, but the majority of men who desire to marry want to be the lead, the provider, and the head of the house. Black women are becoming more vocal about not wanting to be the higher earner in their relationships or have 50/50 financial setups. The examples of couples Tyler Perry shared on the podcast may not be telling the whole truth about their relationship dynamics. All we can do is be responsible for who we are in our own relationships and choose wisely.
If we were to consider another way of looking at Tyler’s advice, one could say that his statement is belittling to Black men, suggesting that they can’t do enough to the point that they don’t need advice, guidance, or encouragement to become suitable, financially fit partners. Nope, not from a fellow Black man who can relate to their struggle yet made it through it all to give them wisdom and encouragement. Instead of speaking life to his fellow man, Tyler ignored Black men completely in this take and suggested that Black women take them as they are because this is the best they can do. Absolutely NOT.
Men in general, but especially Black men are suffering in silence and bleeding online because they are not feeling seen or heard. Everyone is worried about Black women but not doing enough to inquire about Black men. Aren’t y’all tired yet? This is not balanced at all and it shows. We all deserve better.
Lastly, I want to say that perhaps Tyler meant well to suggest that we look past what a man makes and look at his character. He mentioned in the conversation, “There are some good men who can’t meet you at your net worth…If you can find a man who is secure enough with himself to stand in that space…” But in this scenario, he and I both know that it will be even harder to find a “regular man” who is truly comfortable making less than his partner without the pressures of society, toxic patriarchal messaging, internal expectations, family dynamics, emotional maturity, and spiritual fortitude to be all that Tyler is saying a woman should accept.
I was reminded of this scripture, “Most men will proclaim each his own goodness, but who can find a faithful man?” Proverbs 20:6
Is this outcome impossible? No. Is it something that marriage-minded women are looking for as a desirable option nowadays? No. Let’s get honest in the comments, BLISS fam! What are your thoughts on the advice Tyler Perry gave in this conversation? Please share below!
Yeah it’s tiring to think about being somebody’s mama when you want to be their wife. I know you can probably change the dynamics and make this work but it’s definitely not the ideal situation. I think both you and Tyler make good points. But I think even more so you’re right that more men need to step up so we don’t have to settle. But it’s bigger issue than then not doing right. There are also systemic issues that continue to the outcomes that we’re facing financially and educationally with our men. Reality is, there’s men out there who offer what we desire in our community but some of the pickings are slim. Therefore, we may have to be ok with our husbands being a different ethnicity or culture… Especially attractive options exist in our African brothers who tend to still come with a lot of what is desirable husband material.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us Tatianah!!! A lot to unpack here, I’ll start with the punchline….honestly I believe the quotes and context you provided in the article from what Tyler said are Not that far off in the spirit of what he was saying. The technicalities and specifics of who earns more are a case by case basis as the black community is not monolithic. I believe in traditional values that being the lion share of financial support for the family falls on the man…I Strongly believe that that man gets up and goes to work! The man works if he is abled bodied! Character was mentioned by Tyler in your article, and he did not expound on it. I will expound my opinion here.
What character means is attributes and an attitude to “want to do better in life by having a plan.” That character, is demonstrated in other areas of that man’s life if this man isn’t a rich six-figure man. Just because men may make less it does not make less of a man or no less the priestly head of the home. I believe the wife should be submissive to her husband to allow him to lead and she should be teachable. Now before the modern women throw the tomatoes because I used the “s” word, you have to have a man of God that is secure enough in himself to lead despite not making the majority at that time or ever. The women should also be mature enough to recognize the gift that man of God brings in providing financial (decisions for the family), emotional, spiritual, domestic (legacy), and clear directive support by setting the tone for his family. Here’s the reality, 9 times out of 10 a man who is driven to display the fruits of the spirit will not be “lacking” in other areas of his life for very long. There is a spirit of excellence for the saints and seasoned believers such that he will not sit on his hands for very long, he will protect, project, and make plans for that 40k a year job until he perfects that level. Then he will move (with the family) onto the next financial level. Women are very perceptive, and they can spot a goal-setter go-getter man who is stable even if he isn’t Currently a high earner. Women get to choose! That may mean dating outside the race but for Godly women it’s all going to come back to core values and fruits of the spirit. Ladies and Men alike who choose life spouse partners based off their looks, charisma, or status can be damaging to being equally yoked (another sidebar convo)
There are many women who believe they can’t submit to a man who makes less than them. Now, we are talking about a Godly man of God. Not a No Good Joka! I disagree with women who measure their man’s manliness on his wallet and I question their intentions if that’s the only parameter/benchmark. Back to men now, men should come to the plate with the bag also such that if the wife desires to work within the home she may do that. If that financial goal can’t be met currently by that man of God than other options can be evaluated on a case by case basis. Ultimately both men and women get to choose on what means most to them if they are ready for love. My go to example is Joyce Meyer and Dave. If you sit and listen to both of them, nowhere is Dave cowering behind Joyce lack of masculine spiritual headship whenever he speaks on their relationship with Joyce. He’s a secure man…With a plan for their family.
Real men of God are not complacent, the fire of the holy ghost doesn’t make em’ that way…I refuse to believe it…lol!!! If they go through a dry season, that’s a season but not forever. They are go-getters and workaholics for provision for themselves or their future (family) when able bodied and healthy. We must ask ourselves are we picking men and women of Godly character or are we mesmerized with the wolves (which can happen to us all btw! God help us!).
Lastly could you expound on “regular guys” emphasized in article? What constitutes regular guys and what do you mean to say? I’d be interested to know if I’m hitting the ball or am I striking out LOL? Is there a sweet spot in the middle?
Assess the character of a man is my takeaway. Barack Obama was not even close to President when they first met but Michelle actually hired him and look where they are now, she sowed in good stock. Her “pick meter” was accurate in the secular sense. Men, let’s raise the standard!
From what I have read so far, I think Tyler Perry isn’t talking about “marrying down”. It’s the importance of partnership and loving your partner through the ups and downs, especially with finances. As I have been married before and breadwinner, we went through financial struggles and all he could do was pay the light bill, if that’s all you can do is pay the light bill pay the light bill and I will pay the mortgage. That’s a 50/50 marriage/partnership.
When the woman is the breadwinner, she should be a bit more humble in order to find a suitor so she/they “won’t have to settle.” I had to learn this in my early 20s. In fact, I’m still learning it presently. My grandmother and mother always told me whether you’re married or not you should always be able to take care of yourself and have your own money to the side no matter what happens. Discernment is key to finding a proper suitor/husband.