The older I get, the more detailed I get about certain factors that matter in relationships. I remember as a teen wanting to be in a relationship with someone who was “mature,” but that’s all I had to describe someone emotionally at the time.
Fast forward to today, I’m using more specific terms in my prayers and writing because details are important to God too. For those who desire to marry, we should consider not only our potential spouse’s maturity, but their emotional security in themselves and emotional protection for us. This came to mind when news broke out about Darius Jackson’s tweets about his girlfriend, actor/all the things Keke Palmer, recently.
Keke attended an Usher concert in a chic, sexy dress, and he had this to say on Twitter for all to see:
We can talk about how women get treated differently after becoming mothers or the fact that Darius posted images/videos of Keke before in similar if not more revealing, clothing. Today, we’ll talk about emotional security/protection and their necessity in relationships.
When I first saw the post Darius made, I was thrown because she’s been on this elevated image for months, so all of a sudden, it’s a problem? Was her dancing and singing with Usher the main trigger for him? That’s honestly between Darius and Keke; however, he decided to make his case public to us all on social media.
And the people were not having it, oh. They were dragging the young man and father to his and Keke’s newborn son Leodis for the most part, saying it was uncalled for to publicly “shame and embarrass” the woman he’s in a relationship with.
“This is my family and my representation.” Is it? I don’t believe they are married. There are only so many “rights” a boyfriend and child’s father can get. It’s when you become a husband you have specific rights and responsibilities for your family. For instance, how a woman dresses is not technically in consideration of a boyfriend, but it is for a husband because upon marriage, her body belongs to him and his to hers (1 Corinthians 7) and they are united as one. How one dresses should be a data point to consider before getting into a relationship with that person as well as expressing your mutual boundaries around clothing. With Keke being a mother now, perhaps Darius’ expectations changed on what’s considered appropriate for her to wear, but again that’s a discussion for their relationship privately.
In the same logic of representation that he mentioned, how well does his open critique represent his family? How does his approach to showing his concern represent him? In the court of public opinion, it didn’t help at all because he shut down his social media due to all the backlash he received. In relationships, married or not, we have to show love to one another in multiple ways, including how we protect and cover our loved ones.
I’ve been reading this great book on marriage by brother in Christ Dwight DeRamus called “Wife, Life, & Legacy.” In it, he broke down love, as we hear about it in 1 Corinthians 13. In verse 5, the word says that love does not dishonor. DeRamus expands on that, saying, “The action of love is not rude. It is respectful of others. We must be careful not to be disgraceful or dishonorable by trying to give others ‘a piece of our mind’ when making some point.”
He continues about verse 7 saying, “Love will always expose the sin of others in a safe way that does not bring harm, shame, or damage, but will restore and protect. This verse of love is like a covering. This love does not condone sin, but it seeks to protect the erring person. If there are any issues that need to be addressed, couples should cover each other’s faults in public and confront the issues by agreeing to a resolution in private.”
I think we can all agree that no one likes to feel like their being accused, rebuked, corrected, shamed, or embarrassed, especially in public. On a very public stage like Twitter, so many people are now reading between the lines of your message and drafting their own narratives on your relationship when that could have been avoided. This is a clear example of not protecting your partner emotionally.
For women who desire marriage, we have to see if the man we want to marry can provide us with a safe space to be our authentic selves in their presence and protect us in that regard. I don’t know what Keke thinks about being a mom, or the new body motherhood has given her, but his statement, “You a mom,” can trigger her; we don’t know. One way to build emotional safety in a relationship is not to be judgemental, which applies to Darius’ case.
According to a Masterclass article, “Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and avoid judging them for what they say or do, name-calling, and ascribing bad intentions to their actions. Show empathy during disagreements to build a relationship rooted in compassion, where you have a safe environment to express your insecurities and doubts with each other.”
Another post via Medium entitled “The 14 Things She Needs From You to Feel Safe” noted this: “In order to feel safe with you, she needs to know that you have feelings for her because of who she is, not who you think she should be.”
“If you criticize her, judge her, or compare her to other women, you create an environment where she does not feel safe to be herself. A woman who cannot be herself without fearing your disapproval will not feel safe with you.”
There are examples of how to provide emotional protection or safety to the woman in your life. This doesn’t require you to be married to protect someone emotionally. We must get back to honoring one another, especially those we claim to love. I’m sure Keke didn’t ask for this; as she mentioned, she prefers to keep relationship details private.
I appreciate the growing opportunities I’ve had that allowed me to handle disagreements and corrections in private. I’m thankful I didn’t air out anyone, or they did me like that. I pray that we will all come to know what makes us emotionally safe and check ourselves on the emotional maturity scale because it has nothing to do with age, as I may have once thought before.
To love is to honor, protect, and be willing to correct in love, as God does for us. “Love the flaws as well as the best in someone else to trust them. We love our potential spouses better when we regularly receive the love of God in our lives.” –Dwight DeRamus Jr.
