In the season finale of HBO’s Insecure we see one of the main characters Molly share her experience of potentially dating a colleague with her therapist. From what we’ve seen on the show, this colleague is not exactly her type, but he has good qualities.
She mentions that she may consider him but she also says the word “should” to the point that her therapist asks why is he not a “could” and encourages Molly to let go of her thoughts of how her life “should” be.
“She used her parents’ marriage as a blueprint, but after finding out that her father was unfaithful, both her fantasy and foundation were shattered. It was a hard pill for her to swallow, and suddenly she was faced with the decision to either forge ahead in search of her own version of perfect, or create a new goal altogether.” Source
This reminds me of the many times that both men and women can get caught up in the comfort zone of our will, fantasies and in Molly’s case, our “shoulds.” Like the therapist suggested our shoulds can often be high and lofty expectations that can keep us in a state of missing our coulds. Truth be told, a “could” doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re settling for less.
Sometimes the should is everything that you want in your head but too comfortable to leave behind for God’s could.
Let me explain. This year alone I heard several times how black women in particular should be a little more open minded to what could happen in our love life especially when it comes to dating outside of our race or perhaps dating someone not in our immediate age range. I want to ask you all if you think that it’s a comfort zone or a preference to want to be with someone that you may consider to be your expectation of how your relationship or marriage should be?
For example I prefer Black men, but I am open to what God has for me. And you know what? That is challenging for me. Black men were all I really knew growing up and in my life so to leave that behind is like me walking away from my comfort zone, my should, and how my expectations are for myself.
At this point in my life I want my desires to line up with God’s desires for me and my wants have to take a backseat to my needs.
We have to be open to God’s could because He does give us free choice (He doesn’t make us just marry someone); we still have to choose them just like we have to choose Him each and every day.
So what is this mean? It means that like Molly we need to consider what our comfort zones that are developing the shoulds for our relationships and what we expect to see in our mate. What is setting the standard? Are these Godly standards or are these standards based off of comfort, carnal preferences, broken experiences, or vanity?
Lastly I think that what keeps us from embracing the could is our familiarity with the should, lacking the trust that though this could work out, it won’t be perfect, it won’t be a should, and that’s reality.
[bctt tweet=”The shoulds of life don’t give enough room for grace that we need to have in our relationships.” username=”BLISS_BCS”]
We are not going to know everything, but we have to have faith and use wisdom with the choices that we make when it comes to love and who we choose. The common denominator in both is centered on the Lord.
Sidenote: The actress who plays Molly, Yvonne Orji, gave a funny and inspiring TEDx Talk on waiting. Yep, she’s a single Christian, waiting til marriage! Check it out here
What are your thoughts? Are you honestly on team could or team should for your love life?
I believe that there is also another element to this, because being a black Christian woman also could mean that we may be waiting longer than our white (or other ethnic background) counterparts due to the lack of black Christian men available. So I think also many of us women who have been waiting on God’s best for a significant amount of time, diligently seeking the Lord yet still no mate, we can find ourselves getting deeper and deeper into our ideal or dream guy.
All in all I know my #1 non-negotiable is that he loves the Lord with all his heart soul strength and mind. Everything else comes second. But I know for a fact I have preferences, and it’s not going to change. I think as long as your “list” isn’t extensive and is not contrary to the bible and Christian values, then it’s always worth a try! I mean I feel like we as women usually have to grow in our love, and even in attraction for the most part towards a man, so we have to take that into account. Dating is not an automatic “I do.” you can always exit with ease if you find something about that person that just doesn’t sit well with you. Being open minded can really debunk over fantasizing also. That’s my 2 cents!
Totally agree, Kianna, thanks for this!!