Mask Off: Why I stopped denying how I really felt about being single

Post by Lynnette Easter

Everyone has their own coping mechanisms they implement.

“Yes, yes I am single!” Would be the phrase that I respond with when questioned about my relationship status. The phrase that I love to hate and hate to love. My next response usually suffices as my go-to explanation that mainly blocks any further unwanted inquiries. With a fixated smile spread across my face, I *blink, blink, stare* and state:

“I’m just waiting on Jesus to send me my husband.”

Let me tell you, the facial reactions mixed with my discomfort are something to be seen. During this entire interaction, I find myself slightly holding my breath and becoming tense as I await a response. With a permanent smile still spread across my face, I inwardly say they better not ask me anymore questions! The thing that really bothers me is why do I care about receiving a response of “Oh, okay”? Why do I need that approval?

Saying that I’m still single and waiting on God to send me my husband makes me extremely uncomfortable in my skin.

I am a mother of an adult-aged son. I am single. I have never been engaged. I am 44 years old. For the past six years, my singleness has been my shame and what I have regarded as a punishment from God. What is wrong with me!? This question serves as a constant reminder of where I went wrong. And just like that, I am bombarded with ‘What if?’ ‘Maybe’ and ‘If only I had’.

My ideal marriage imagery was based off of the selfish person I was prior to becoming single. My marriage goals were hinged upon a list; a void that needed filling in my life and a longing desire of a two-parent home for my son.

The truth of the matter is, for the woman I was back then, no husband and no marriage would have ever sufficed for me.

Brushing things under the rug does not mean that it no longer exists. It only means that you have temporarily brushed things out of plain sight.

Forgiving myself as God has forgiven me becomes skewed when I strive to believe, in spite of, God can give me the desires of my heart. I used to strongly believe that Galatians 6:7-9 was only speaking about how we treat people, not so. The meaning of the verse extends far past how we treat people; it relates to every aspect of our lives. In my case, those verses were true for me when it came to how I ran my own life.

I was in charge; my relationship path was steered by me, myself and I with God as an afterthought. Even when the path I was taking was the wrong one, I believed that I could rectify everything. AGAIN, NOT SO.

I had become enslaved to my feelings because I believed that I could deny and ignore them away. My feelings were very prevalent as they simmered. They never went away because I never acknowledged and addressed them, until now.

Embracing where you are in life can only take place when you make the choice to remove the dead weight and embrace the life God has given you wholeheartedly.

When resentment arises, I must immediately address my feelings. I can no longer stuff and ignore my feelings away, it does not work. In retrospect, I must remember that even though God knows what I am feeling, God is waiting for me to lay my feelings at His feet.

[bctt tweet=”Change can only take place when willingness is involved.” username=”bliss_bcs”]

I do not have to resent or be embarrassed by my singleness. I do not have to remain bound by my feelings. As I was writing about this unspoken issue, I had to stop for a while and release my emotions to God. This proved to be a very freeing experience for me.

Yes, yes I am single! I am single because I swapped out my old ways and replaced them with a new guide, the Bible and Holy Spirit. I am single because God said so…for now. I am single because I told God that I do not want an ‘Occupy my time’ or ‘Filler In’ relationship, I want the real relationship: the one who will be my husband and who will marry me, ‘til death do us part.

“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19