On this blog, I think it’s important to hold both men and women accountable for our actions in love and relationships. In the ongoing gender wars that distract our culture from truly uniting for a greater cause, we see a lot of finger-pointing and negative talk about each other on and offline.
It’s ugly, and to be honest, it’s too easy to do instead of looking at one’s self for the areas of improvement we can make. Many of us have done this before in dating/relationships, placing the end or outcome of the relationship totally on the other person or their gender altogether.
However, with some time away from that season and with emotional maturity, we can look back at those relationships or dates that didn’t work out and see what we may have done or allowed that led to the outcome. It can get really clear after the emotionally-charged stage of a breakup has simmered down, allowing us to see the signs that we ignored, the boundaries we’ve allowed to get violated, and the words we didn’t say that we needed to.
I was getting weary of seeing Black women in these online spaces and even celebrity women not taking accountability for their romantic choices when it was pretty obvious to others. The Summer Walkers, Tia Mowrys, LaNisha Coles, and the like all had viral instances last year of romantic situations that didn’t go as intended. I’m sharing these examples because their statements of “wanting to have all her children by 25 on purpose,” that they’ve “graduated” from their marriage, and the love for their children is not “fake IG photo op love” sparked a lot of commentaries and shed light on the fact that while no one is perfect, there is a time when we need to hold space for accountability.
Each of us has ignored the red flags or bad signs in dating/relationships that we see. None of us have arrived or are better than the other, but out of love, we have to face the reality that our choices in men were not perfect. I was really getting dismayed out here for 2023 until I saw a new show on the OWN network recently.
“All The Single Ladies” is a new show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) that features the real stories of single Black women and the lessons they’ve learned in love. The first two episodes focused on the topics of red flags and side chicks. Not to be sensational–the show seems to come off as a conversation between the woman on the couch and you, the viewer.
We can learn from each of these ladies’ stories. One thing I can see in these interviews is that some of the ladies do mention where they made errors in their dating stories, taking accountability and not shifting the blame. Some go further into their childhood and upbringing, coming to terms with their dating pattern or the way they love may have been influenced by their family dynamic.
“I was looking for something I didn’t receive when I was a child…”
Do we know how to take accountability for our role in our relationships when they don’t work out?
This is not to beat ourselves up but to take account of what we may have overlooked so we don’t get blinded by self-deception and delusion about romantic love and the responsibility we each play in it. When we are open to taking responsibility, we will be more available to move on, not staying stuck in a victim narrative that can very well end up in the same situation with a different partner because we believed we didn’t make a mistake. Let’s learn from the mistakes of others and consider how to move differently.
“I did what every woman does when she’s in the state of denial…”
“All The Single Ladies” airs on OWN on Friday nights, and you can catch the first two episodes online. I’d recommend giving it a watch–it’s a reminder of what to look out for and to show more grace to our sisters because the dating streets can be hard. I wanted to tie in scripture with accountability and came across this selection from Ephesians 4:21-25 (NLT):
“Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, 22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy. 25 So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.”
I pray that we allow the Holy Spirit to not only hold us accountable to living God’s way, but show us safe spaces where we can confess our sins to and encourage one another in brotherhood and sisterhood. It’s so needed more than ever so that we can move forward in wholeness and love each other better.
BLISS fam! Do you have a safe space for accountability in your life and relationships? Let us know in the comments below!
