How I overcame my shame of not being married by now

Post by R.C.

Now, this may be very “Being Mary Jane” of me, but my career, family and God have been exclusively at the forefront of my ambitions for the last decade.

My new writing job is challenging and fulfilling; it’s another step in the direction of my dreams! I’m spending time with God each day, and hearing from Him clearly. My family is happy for me. Everyone is safe and healthy. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

But even with all of the above and being optimistic about my future, I still feel like failed at one major thing.

That’s because I’m 32 and single. It’s insane. Then, I feel kind of guilty for being ungrateful!

“It feels like everything else that’s going well in my life scores less in the point system of womanhood because I’m approaching mid-30s with no prospect of marriage.”

Post college, I just wanted to be poppin’, fulfilled and have my own. I defined “fulfilled” by having a close relationship with God. Close enough that I can recognize His voice daily. I defined poppin’ with having my own money and a banging career. I wanted to focus on the things I controlled because that’s what made me feel empowered.

In a relationship, I’m only 50% of the couple, so I can’t control everything. Actually, writing this kind of makes me notice a reason why I might still be single. For that reason, at least partially, I haven’t had stellar success in relationships. I suppose a byproduct of that is I stopped seeking love. Even now, I toggle back and forth to whether that’s a good or bad thing. I’m open to love. I’d date if the right man came along. But I’m not on Christian Mingle, bio updated talking about “Looking For: Committed Relationship.” I’m spending my days in the writers’ room laughing at jokes I pitched. And for the most part, I’m good with that.

But there are still some times – nights when I see my old joint on Instagram with prettier women, or I’m in bed alone, or I go to an event unaccompanied, or I just want to have an intellectual conversation about something that I’m watching, or when I’m teetering on the verge of burnout, or when I could use a forehead kiss and some encouragement – I can’t help but toy with the idea that I may have played this out all wrong.

I try to remember that I hear from God. I seek Him first. It’s not like I’m blindly walking through this life—my steps are ordered. I think the fact that I can write this means that I’m coming to the end of that lonely season.

“I’m slowly being freed from the bondage of needing to control everything and letting go of fear of how people see me.”

Will I be ashamed of my life if it’s not picture perfect? So, even when the enemy and the “inner me” tries to play mind games, I can remember that the fact I’m even conscious of this flaw means I have the victory.

Thank God I’m not perfect. Thank God this wasn’t all easy and everything wasn’t perfect. Where’s the adventure in that? Where’s the testimony? Where’s the story in that? There has never been a thing that God didn’t work together for my good, why would this be any different?

I’m grateful for every test and trial that developed my patience because girl…I need it. This world – life, work, family, strangers, fitness, subways, lines at Popeye’s, I can keep going – they all challenge my patience. That includes love. If I don’t have patience to get to know my partner or hear them out when they have grievances or  to make my relationship work, I’ll start looking at my blessing like it’s a headache and lose what God has for me.

Today, I trust God more now than ever before, because He’s shown me that He can work MIRACLES! I have a career that was nearly unheard of for Black woman a decade ago. I’m living a dream I’ve had since I was nine years old. God has answered prayers of mine literally in the same day! He’s doing it for His children in REAL TIME, that much I know. So, when it comes down to this single thing, I’m taking it to my Daddy claiming the victory, in Jesus’ name. He loves me unconditionally, flaws and all. So, guess what y’all, that means I’m victorious!

This post is part of the series is called “The Other Side: Stories of Victory in the Single Season.” This is an opportunity to share your testimony of you overcoming any particular issue you have faced in your single season.

Was it overcoming a breakup? Forgiving someone who hurt you? Learning to love again? Accepting yourself? These are just some examples. Share your story to help inspire others!

SUBMIT YOUR STORY HERE