At some point this summer, I felt a heaviness regarding the state of Christian singles when it came to sex. It was a heaviness that left me sad in part because there seems to be an increase of single believers who are deciding to date their own way and engage in premarital sex. And yes, some couples do get married, and some have children and then they get married, but the heaviness weighed on me as if there’s a collective thought that God’s standards of waiting ‘til marriage do not matter anymore.
I’ve noticed and tuned into conversations over the years about the unlearning of the negative stigmas that have been taught by the Church about sex, celibacy, and abstinence. Absolutely, there needs to be a big session of learning the truth about our bodies and God’s intentions for sex—because it’s not just for procreation as some churches may teach. We have one conservative extreme that ends up scarring people who do wait to marry and enter the marriage bed afraid or prudish, and then there’s the other extreme where people love Jesus and love sex too, no matter their relationship status.
Natalie Grant shared her thoughts in an episode of Mandisa’s “What If We Were Real?” series: “There’s this idea that there’s grace for it and you don’t have to live under shame for the mistakes that you’ve made in your past and thinking that you’re not worthy, but at the same time, there is this epidemic of sorts of people that are just like ‘Well, I can have sex and it’s okay’. I go to church with people who are like it’s no big deal. ‘Yeah, I love Jesus with all my heart and experience the Holy Spirit, but I’m also having sex with my boyfriend.’ It’s almost like we’ve reduced God to what makes us feel good and His grace covers everything…so we almost have this loss of what it means to be holy.”
I agree with Natalie in the sense that we are called to holiness; it doesn’t change or diminish because we get in a relationship. However, I know from my own experiences that it is challenging to live pure when you’re in a relationship. Whether single or dating, I ask God to keep me in this area—to stay on the right path to abstain until I’m married, and I’m beyond okay with that at this point. I believe it’s a temptation for anyone, but you are likely to fall if:
- You have an unaddressed lust issue
- You have not developed strong self-control
- You think you can do this dating/relationship thing without God
- You are dating/in a relationship with someone who is not willing to practice sexual abstinence
- You don’t have accountability that you can be transparent with on these issues
- You don’t utilize your way of escape from the temptation
It’s almost as if Christians who decide to live sexually pure or abstain from sex before marriage are the smaller group of saints that sit at the table with the other uncool kids in the cafeteria in the Body of Christ. To clarify, this group of believers are not solely virgins, and not all virgins are living a lifestyle of purity.
So, for all the other single (unmarried) brothers and sisters who are choosing this lifestyle to have sex outside of marriage, there is a notable number who do get married. Some get married quickly, some get married to the love of their lives…and the single and waiting ones are still single and waiting. This is the second part of where the heaviness comes from.
“But waiting ‘til marriage does not guarantee that you will get a spouse.” Oh yes, I definitely believe that because marriage is a gift, not something to “earn” through good works. But for those of us who are doing everything we can to do the right things to please God will too have emotional moments when we see other people accelerating in a certain area like getting married and having kids before us.
These are real human feelings to have that can go different ways (jealousy, envy, pride, anger, resentment, hurt, etc.). With the heaviness that I felt, the Lord reminded me of the parable of the prodigal son—not in the perspective of the lost son, but in the perspective of his older brother.
Biblical Reference: Luke 15:11-32
The brother of the prodigal son wasn’t the one to ask their father for his share of the estate. One could say that the brother probably wondered what his younger brother was going to do with all his acquired wealth as he gathered his belongings to leave the safety and consistency of their home. I don’t know if he missed his brother or wanted to join with as the prodigal brother went on his own way, as we see in verses 13-19.
What the older brother doesn’t see is his younger brother’s reconciliation with their father that occurs in verses 20-24. The prodigal son is now back home and is accepted into the family. No shame, no condemnation or judgement from the father. If anything, the prodigal son experienced his own version of all that outside of his father’s house when he went his own way (which the older brother didn’t see either).
The older brother, who stayed at home with his father, was away from the scene of reconciliation. The word says that as he drew near to the house, he heard music and partying. He wasn’t there to see the act of grace from their father to his brother. When he learned why there was a party, the older brother was angry and resentful, refusing to join the party. He was mad because he did everything he was told to do for so long, yet sees his younger brother do whatever he wanted to do and gets rewarded for it with a big party and the fattened calf.
See where I’m going with this?
If we continue with this parable, their father tells him that everything his father has is his. This is where some of us are in our waiting season when we look at singles who seem to be getting ahead in life although they may not have been waiting ‘til marriage or whatever it is that they may be doing that seems outside of God’s will. Some of us can relate to the older brother in the field, doing what God told us to do while low-key hating on our brothers and sisters in the faith who are in relationships and are having sex before marriage anyway.
Like in this parable, we don’t see the full story of our brother/sister in their prodigal moments and what they experienced. We may not have seen their reconciliation with the Father either. All we see is the new level and the celebration, so we may be tempted to judge that they were blessed with a marriage and kids even though they didn’t do it exactly God’s way. Here’s the truth for you, brothers and sisters in waiting:
- God is your Father and He loves you (Psalms 103:13, John 14:21, 1 John 3:1)
- Everything He has stored up for you is for you (Luke 15:31)
- You are safer in His will regarding sexual purity (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)
- There are many blessings for your obedience and faithfulness (Proverbs 3:1-4)
- You are protected when you stay with the Father (Proverbs 2:8)
- He wants all of us to be saved and live in the spirit of adoption (1 Timothy 2:4, Romans 8:15-17)
- It’s worth celebrating when our brothers and sisters in the faith repent and return to God (Luke 15:32)
Perhaps there is more to list here, but the point is that you’re not missing out on anything by doing what is right in God’s sight. You’re not better than your brother who came back to the Father, you both simply have different experiences with God. You have different testimonies that will reach the respective people who need to hear them and get saved. There is enough grace and mercy for both the prodigal son and the older brother, who in his resentment, forgot just how blessed he truly was.
As you continue to wait, or even if you are struggling in the area of sexual purity or abstinence, God is with you and He is for you always.
“There is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents.” Luke 15:10 NLT
Repents: changes his inner self—his old way of thinking, regrets past sins, lives his life in a way that proves repentance; and seeks God’s purpose for his life. Luke 15:10b AMP
This is so good and so real! Thank you for sharing your perspective, and I can totally relate! There are times where I have felt this same sentiment, and questioned God, or felt some type of way. I love the scriptures you shared, the Truth for us brothers and sisters who are in waiting. This post is so encouraging!
Thank you Tamien for reading and glory to God! These verses definitely keep us all in the right perspective.
Thank you for sharing this .
This was a GREAT ARTICLE!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🤗
Thank you so much, April!
Honestly, I’m sooo happy you shared this article! Its sooo true! I’m also so happy that thlugh my pat experiences were ridunkulous! Yes, i made up a wors lol because i have stories for days! I’ve learned that there’s nothing else out there for me, and that helps me more in my waiting. It doesn’t make it easier, but it does help with not settling or doing something stupid. At the age of 31, I have truly learned and had enough experiences to know and believe it’s better to wait. I wish I learned some of these things sooner, but as the word says, there is a time and place for EVERYTHING under the son! All I know is when future husband come, we gonna have FUN! Lol and we’re gonna be further along with our deliverance and past because of all this time to seek God and get things right! AMEN? AMEN! Stay blessed and keep doing what you’re doing Tatianah! I love it! We should collab real soon! Like before the end of this year if you are open to it!
Thank you Renee for sharing your story! I’d be down for a collab, just let me know!
I really can relate to this
I’ve been there
But I have a question ma’am
I have a friend, and of course she tells me stuffs abt her relationship.. and they are things which should not be done before marriage
I just renewed my salvation in Christ and I got a clearer picture of abstinence from sex or anything close.
It’s been bothering me to talk to her abt it,maybe she’ll see it the way I’m seeing it.
But I just feel it will look like I’m jealous of her relationship or something which might end up affecting our friendship,
How do I go about this ma?
Hi Mercy! Thank you for your question. The best thing you could do before anything else is to pray about it and pray for your friend. Often times prayer will be what God requires us to do while He takes care of the rest. You can be a friend and listening ear, offer advice when asked, but you can set boundaries if you’re not comfortable with her telling you certain things about her relationship. If the topic of sex were to come up again in conversation, that could be an entry point for you to share why you’re choosing to wait til marriage without judging her in this season. It is your friend’s decision to do what she’s doing, so you can’t force her to change, only God can bring her to change.
Thanks for this piece. Like you said, the older brother may not have known what challenges the young brother went through outside their father’s house. I relate myself to the young brother and may the LORD have mercy upon me. Back home to our Father’s house, is where I want to be.
Thank you for your thoughts on this topic
This topic is one that also rest heavily on me
God has called us to a life of holiness and despite our real emotional struggles he has provided help for us the Holy Spirit. How we go about seeking that help is the problem.
Also please note Christians have been in relationships and have had sex prior to marriage and some even get married to the said partner. Yes God”s Grace will cover but don’t forget there is always consequences for Sin. So although being married repentance is required for perious actions.
Thank you Marcia for your insight and for reading!
Awesome share thanks for the encouragement. 🙂
Amen, you’re more than welcome!
I can defintely relate. I have been waiting like forever and then I see others who don’t care about what God said moving ahead and I wonder if I am a fool for waiting. But I want to do it God’s way and that keeps me going, as hard as it is.
Amen, Lona! Be encouraged in your wait <3
Wow !!! this indeed a wonderful article. Please believe when i tell you that this is the first ever blog article that i have ever read. Over the past 2 days i have sensed the Holy Spirit leading me to blogging . However i had no idea how its setup and published and in my quest to find out , i came across this article has served as a confirmation. Iam a prodigal son that has found his way back home by Grace and i have so much to share from both views. This article breaks it down in the most simple but yet profound way. As to ” marriage being a gift not earned” i have different interpretation that i would like to share with you but not today. Today is for me to say thank you , you have stirred a gift in me
Praise God, Rumbi! I’m so glad you will be sharing your testimony! May God continue to lead you in your journey with Him!
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. The wait gets weary at times. Thanks for the encouragement.
Thank you Cheryl! May God continue to keep you in this season <3
I really enjoyed your article. I can definitely relate. I’ve always been perplexed by the Christians who say they read their bible, talk to God and have a relationship with him but sees nothing wrong with sleeping around (while their in a relationship or just hooking up.) This definitely leaves any sex before marriage discussions off the table. And there has been times were I’ve seen myself as the older brother, resentful. Doing everything right but seeing other people be blessed with marriage and kids. But like you mentioned we don’t know their full story.
Thank you for this read.
Thank you Ray for sharing, I pray it blessed you!