Hey BLISS fam! Do you believe it’s possible to have it all in a partner or future spouse? If there was something that they lacked on your list, how important would that mean to you in the grand scheme of things?
I know it’s not just me, but there are those occasions when I meet guys who, on paper, have a lot of great qualities that would make them a great partner or husband. Then as I continue to get to know them, there’s something missing that gives me pause. Case in point, this long overdue storytime:
I’m in a few singles groups and on one night this summer, a fellow member reached out to me in my inbox to have a chat, so I agreed to one over a Skype call. This is what I now refer to as “the Skype date” because it felt like a date with all the questions he was throwing my way in the time we were talking.
Truth be told, we had a lot in common and he is educated, ambitious, self-aware, and very focused. On paper, the potential suitor has a lot going for him and was interested in me? Alright now.
It was until we got to the important conversation topic of sex and sexual abstinence that changed the trajectory of our potential connection. While I choose to abstain from sex until marriage, he was vehemently not waiting. Is that something missing the something I’m willing to negotiate for a chance for a seemingly good connection? I say it’s not, but perhaps others are willing to accept that in their dating season; to each their own.
Know your word
I will say that knowing some scripture equipped me better for such a conversation as why sex before marriage is not the best option for me. The guy is very much a believing Christian, but that sex part? He was not about that waiting ’til marriage life. It was his non-negotiable. I mean, who am I to try to change that?
I took it upon myself to bring up scripture in the discussion to support why sexual immorality is a disservice to yourself (1 Corinthians 16:8) and how casual sex can hinder your personal goals. He heard me but he was adamant about his stance and I respect that. I couldn’t do anything else for him as a potential partner, so it became a quick encouraging session that I gave, then we moved on to other topics.
Know your boundaries
Knowing where to draw the line with dates is really important because they will test your boundaries, whether you meet this potential in person or online. If everything about a potential partner seems great to you, but they are pushing up on your boundaries, they’re not that great in reality. Often times we will weigh the good with the bad and if there’s more good qualities, we will stick around and entertain someone we don’t need to. Why? Because the quality of those bad qualities matter.
If they are not honoring your time, your body, your mind, your standards, then you can agree to disagree and move on. There’s no need to convince someone who’s opposed to something you value in relationships in order to capture their attention or date them any further. Your boundaries may have taken years of trial and error, work, and testing to stand by them. These are the moments to not abandon them for anyone that doesn’t regard them with respect.
Know your options
Everyone has options! You don’t have to choose someone just because they presented themselves before you or show you interest. Not everyone is sent from God, so you have to use your discernment and exercise your options.
Your options are to struggle in a situation that doesn’t fit the person you want to be, or choosing to move along until you find a more suitable match for your future and purpose. We don’t have to make dating, or even that dreaded “getting to know you” phase, hard, family!
If you learn something about someone who looks great on paper but has a glaring red flag, don’t go colorblind all of the sudden because some things work. The important, non-negotiables need to be in sync if you truly want less struggle and more peace in your dating season. Some things need to be discussed so there’s clarity before making a false judgement or assumption; but if it’s clear cut like in my case with Skype guy, you know what to do.
After our 21 questions Skype date, the guy said that we were better off not going forward and I agreed with him on that. I hope he’s safe and doesn’t squander all that he’s working for on some temporary pleasure. I encourage you all, men and women, to be wise and exercise your boundaries, options, and scripture in your dating season. You deserve to be with someone who sees all of you and accepts you, not change you into what they want, and vice versa.
Amen sis! Great post 🙂 and great job sticking by your boundaries. So proud of you :-).
Yes, unfortunately I have experienced this many times 😒 this seems to be an area that many men who profess Christianity lack conviction in. To add insult to injury there are more women who profess Christianity who are willing to compromise in this area for the 💍 this I believe makes it more difficult for women who do uphold the Lord’s standard. There is much less incentive to pursue someone seeking to honor God with their bodies when there are so many “Christian” women who won’t make him wait for the goodies
Thanks Kija for that additional and true perspective!
This is a great blog topic. Many times we change ourselves to fit into someone else’s lifestyle because we don’t have a clear stance on our boundaries and standards. Especially us women. We have to live in our truth and stick by it!
Thank you Danni! Yes, been there, learned from it, and doing better!
This was very good. Thank You!