In recent years, I’ve noticed a growing niche market on the Internet geared towards Black women who want to “level up” in their partner choices. From the femininity conversations to discussions on hypergamy, all of us are looking for ways to get access to a higher quality way of living, and that includes who we desire to marry.
The market is ripe for all kinds of content to come out, including the deception from frauds. Fraudulent people will always be around, but we don’t have to fall for their schemes and finesse. Over the last few days, a video went viral of a woman (35, single mother, earning 6 figures) and a popular “image consultant” who gives blunt dating advice to men and women alike on YouTube. She shared that she wanted a mate who was a high-quality man, making six figures like her or more. The host of the show that she willingly called into proceeded to rate her looks, limiting her to not rank herself higher than a 7 out of 10. She considered herself a 5-6 (average), and he in his own brand of honest advice shared in a nutshell that the men she wants wouldn’t want an average woman like her and she “will die alone.” Okay—rude!
For the full breakdown on that situation, check out this commentary by Real Talk with Yanie
I’m not going to say that all the information that the host is dishing out is flat out wrong, but I call into question his intentions for dishing out his words to listeners with such vitriol. Something about it comes off very low, negative, and considerably abusive. It’s enough to make one reconsider flocking to his or anyone else’s platform for relationship advice that appears to be biased and full of resentment towards Black women.
What does the Bible say about advice?
When I heard about this situation, I thought about a few verses:
“For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions…” 2 Timothy 4:3 ESV
“Smooth words may hide a wicked heart, just as a pretty glaze covers a clay pot. People may cover their hatred with pleasant words, but they’re deceiving you…While their hatred may be concealed by trickery, their wrongdoing will be exposed in public.” Proverbs 26:23-24, 26 NLT
“Every good treat bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit…by their fruit you will recognize them.” Matthew 7:17, 20 NIV
God’s word reminds us to be mindful of all these folks dishing out their opinions as advice. Let’s get into what to look for in someone giving you relationship advice…
What’s their area of expertise?
When seeking advice, counsel, or assessment from someone regarding you being in a romantic relationship, you should consider their own experience in the area that you’re asking about. For example, you could say that I’m a singleness expert, but I don’t claim to be a dating/relationship expert; I stay in my respective lane, lol. There are some women I seek advice from who specialize in spiritual matters, but not others and that’s okay. There are some people I get advice from for boundaries, femininity, godly marriage, etc. They don’t all have to come from the same source, but make sure that they’re proven in what they are advising you on.
Look at that person’s “mission statement.”
Everyone should have a purpose statement, especially if they have a platform that is informing or advising people. Does that person’s mission serve you and your needs? Does their purpose statement reflect or contradict the Word of God?
We can’t overlook the fruit.
Numbers of followers or subscribers may suggest that they have popularity, but it does not mean that what they have to say is of value and/or of value to you. They may have a lot of true advice, but what is the root of it all connected to? The frauds may have the outward appearance of “high-quality,” but the inside is bitter and broken to the core.
Get at least one person who doesn’t think the same as you.
This may take some discernment and financial investment to get a therapist, life coach, business coach, etc. to challenge you at the level you’re at in order to bring you to your desired level. A yes person will keep you stagnant because they will tell you what your flesh wants to hear and not challenge any negative or limiting beliefs and behaviors that you’ve embraced as your identity. You need someone who will help you reflect and critically think about the decisions that you will ultimately have to make in your love life.
What is their heart towards you?
Are you just another number to the person you’re seeking advice from or do you want a more personal connection with someone? Like the lady in earlier part of this post, the host she sought advice from didn’t know her personally to speak to her the way that he did.
Although we may not have all the right people around us to give us the advice or mentorship that we need, we have to be diligent in selecting who we allow speak over us and to us. Do they know you well enough to assess what you’re asking them about? Do they care about your growth and development? Are they mentoring or discipling you? Are they making you feel low or exploiting your vulnerability? After a while you will find out what they’re about—good or bad.
Get advice from men or women?
I think it’s important to hear from the opposite sex when it comes to relationship matters sometimes, but it’s more beneficial to learn from someone who can fully relate to your experience as a man or woman. Seeing a man operate as a husband means something to a man willing to learn and the same goes for a woman learning from a wife. Find that right person or people in order to practically go after that life that you want.
Don’t forget about God!
Who knows you and your seasons more than Father God? I’ll wait. Go to Him and be patient in the process of God revealing certain things to you. The Bible has plenty of advice to glean from on singleness and marriage. In the dating arena, consider scriptures that discuss the character of people for reference and how you are to interact with others as a child of God.
The reality is that you already have high value on the inside of you. The key is to have the right people bring it out of you and not curse it. Be careful out here, BLISS fam!
