Photo source: Facebook
When you think about examples of #BlackLove among celebrities, most people would consider superstars Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. They have survived years of rumors that tried to suggest all kinds of details about their nearly 21 year marriage, and even recently, about them not being married anymore.
Off the heels of success of the premiere season of her web show, “Red Table Talk” returned to Facebook with an exclusive look into the love and marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. “Red Table Talk” is a show created and featuring Jada Pinkett Smith, her daughter Willow, and mother Adrienne – three generations of women open their home for a series of candid conversations with family and friends. In this new episode, the couple opened up to each other and the audience on what they have gone through together.
Perspective on marriage
Jada’s mom, Adrienne Banfield-Jones, wanted the couple to get married and have a wedding (the pair married shortly after the Will and Jada got pregnant with their son Jaden). In retrospect they all agreed that getting married was the right thing for them, but they didn’t like their wedding, especially Jada.
“I just never agreed with the construct [of marriage]. Til death do us part is real for me; it’s all of the rules and ideas instead of what you can do. The accepted conventional definition of the term wife–I’m not that.” Jada admits. Will had a different thought towards marriage:
“There wasn’t a day in my life that I wanted anything other than being married and having a family. Literally 5 years old I was picturing what my family would be.” -Will Smith
From listening to the both of them, it’s undeniable that we all have our own perspectives on marriage and what it means to us, what it “looks” like. Those perspectives are subject to change for the right person or if we allow God to give us His perspective. The couple do not mention their faith/beliefs in this episode, but I’m adding my take in this post for the discussion.
From this part I took that Will had a vision for his life that he was committed to. Jada had her own vision and dreams as well, which she shared in the episode, but those pursuits changed once the baby and marriage came into her life. That’s a reality of marriage that many of us should weigh sincerely before entering that covenant. That’s why many like myself emphasize on taking advantage of this time to find yourself, your purpose, your vision and pursue God so that you don’t enter something that you may not have really wanted. Jada does love her husband, but marriage was not “her plan.” Selah.
Creating boundaries in marriage
Often times we will come to a point in our relationships where we have to set boundaries. Will brought up a time when Jada cussed at him at an event they had at their home. “I will not create a house, space or interaction with a person where there’s profanity and violence. If you have to talk to me like that, we can’t be together” Will told Jada then. He held onto his boundaries and she agreed to that.
The couple took communication courses to improve how they would speak to each other over the course of their relationship, which led to them not using profanity or raising their voices in disagreements. “You really have to discipline yourself and see what you’re really angry about, come to peace and then come to your partner. You’re not really communicating when you’re talking to each other in anger,” shared Jada about dealing with her emotions when in disagreements with her spouse.
“What I realize is you’re beating up on someone you say you love, versus handle that with yourself and go through your thoughts and come back when you’re peaceful.” -Jada Pinkett Smith
They said this at the same time: “You apologize a thousand times,” as they both knew how far they would go if they went off on each other. This conversation was great because it was a man talking about his boundaries to his woman, which is usually the other way around in what we’re shown in everyday society. We’re often so stirred in our emotions and reactionary, that we don’t realize we can tear down the very person we vowed to love for life. Create and maintain healthy boundaries in your (future) marriage that will allow you to respect, honor and love your partner, even when you’re in disagreement.
Checking your motivations in marriage
“As a couple, we are magical. We win in the material world. Externally we were winning, but there was a period where mommy [Jada] was crying every morning…I was failing miserably,” Will admitted to their daughter Willow at the red table. This conversation covered the motivations of having a healthy marriage.
“It was devastating that I built that house for me. I called it her lake as an ego cover and Jada was calling me on that…What I realized is I was building a picture. I grew up in a household where I was scared and watched my dad beat my mother up. So I wanted to create the complete opposite of that.” This was also powerful because our motivations for marriage can be shaped by our past, whether it’s good or bad. Ask the Lord to reveal to you the motivations of your heart regarding your desire and vision for marriage. Is it selfish? Is it perverted by your past? Is it of God? (See Proverbs 16:2)
In Jada’s perspective, she experienced a period of discontent, sacrificing herself to stay home and care for the children while Will was working in his career. Will used to believe that succeeding in the world meant that your relationship was working. “I was trying to live up to an expectation for Will,” Jada said, to which Will added that she was trapped in a life she didn’t build. “I accepted that because of my fear. I didn’t want to rock the boat, I had kids…there’s just a lot of stuff that you let slide that angers you, and get resentment but you don’t change it because you’re scared. At the end of the day it’s about fear,” Jada shared.
Is fear a motivator in your relationships? Don’t let it shut your mouth in marriage to the point that you grow discontentment and resentment towards your spouse. Find healthier ways to communicate what you’re feeling and find common ground with your spouse with God at the center.
This is just part one of their discussion in the series. There will be more episodes of “Red Table Talk” airing on Facebook.
